Feeling misunderstood is a very isolating experience. It leaves you feeling frustrated, anxious, and alone. Just one moment of disconnection can cause us pain. However, feeling chronically misunderstood can lead to feelings of worthlessness, depression, and low self-esteem. You might even start to believe that something is wrong with you or that nobody will ever fully understand you. Although these are isolating feelings, the reality is that most people have felt this way at some point in their lives. Thankfully, it’s possible to understand more about why you feel this way. Knowing the “whys” behind our feelings allows us to heal both ourselves and our relationships.
Negative Impacts of Feeling Lonely and Misunderstood
Feeling misunderstood can negatively affect both physical and mental health. Feeling misunderstood almost always leads to loneliness. Studies have shown that loneliness is a key factor in depression, anxiety, and stress. Chronic loneliness has been shown to increase the risk of chronic physical health conditions, like high blood pressure and diabetes.
One of the most harmful impacts of feeling misunderstood is the impact it has on self-esteem. We feel unworthy. And the more unworthy we feel, the more we isolate ourselves. All of this leads to a vicious cycle where we are feeling chronically lonely and disconnected. However, the truth is that you can be understood. We are all worthy of belonging and capable of being seen, heard, and valued.
The Role of Blame
Blame is a key factor that stops us from overcoming loneliness. When we feel misunderstood, we often start to blame ourselves. We may look inward and think “what’s wrong with me?” Then we make assumptions about how bad we are at socializing and how we can’t relate to others. We may even believe that our feelings are not valid or normal. These beliefs and assumptions can erode our self-esteem and self-worth. If feeling misunderstood is a repeated experience, it can cause a long-lasting impact by lowering our confidence.
If we aren’t blaming ourselves, then we may be blaming others. We may assume that others don’t care about us or that they don’t want to get to know us. This can lead us to withdraw because we believe it’s not possible for others to understand us. If we feel misunderstood in our close relationships with friends or family, we may stop communicating. Over time, this can erode trust and intimacy in our relationships, making it difficult to feel close to others. Again, this experience furthers loneliness and often makes us settle for unfilling relationships.
The Real Reasons You Feel Misunderstood
The good news is that there are many understandable reasons someone might feel misunderstood that have nothing to do with blame. When we stop blaming and look at concrete reasons, we can begin to heal our wounds and make changes. Over time, we can then create more connection and understanding. In this blog, we will explore 10 reasons people often feel misunderstood to help you live a happier, more self-assured life.
1. Communication breakdown
Communication is the cornerstone of human relationships, and it is essential to be able to express oneself clearly and effectively. However, miscommunication can happen due to a variety of reasons, such as language barriers, cultural differences, and personal communication styles. For example, someone may speak in a way that is too indirect for others to understand their intended meaning. (This is common in social anxiety or shyness.) Or they may use jargon that is unfamiliar to their audience. On the other hand, others may misinterpret a message due to their own assumptions, leading to misunderstandings and miscommunications.
2. Different perspectives
People have different backgrounds, experiences, and beliefs, which shape their worldviews and how they perceive the world around them. When two people have different perspectives, it can be difficult for them to see things from the other’s point of view. For instance, a person with a conservative upbringing might have difficulty understanding the experiences of someone with a more liberal background. Similarly, someone who has grown up in a big city may have trouble understanding the perspectives of someone from a rural area. These differences in perspective can lead to misunderstandings and make people feel like they are not being heard or understood.
3. Feeling judged or criticized
When someone feels like they are being judged or criticized, it creates a barrier to being understood. This can happen when someone expresses an opinion or makes a decision that is unpopular or goes against the norm. For example, someone might feel misunderstood if they decided to pursue a career that is not considered “traditional.” Or they may be criticized if they share a belief or value that is not widely accepted. When others judge or criticize our choices, it can make us feel like our perspective is not valued or respected. We may even shut down and stop sharing due to the fear of being criticized.
4. Low self-esteem
People who struggle with low self-esteem may be more likely to feel misunderstood. They may believe that their opinions and feelings are not important or valid. They may also be more likely to stay quiet or not speak up for themselves. This can lead to others misunderstanding their intentions. For example, someone with low self-esteem may not speak up in a group setting. This can cause others to assume that they have no opinion or don’t care.
5. Past experiences of difficult or neglectful relationships
Our past experiences shape the way we interact with others in the present. For example, if someone has been repeatedly told that their opinions are wrong or dismissed in the past, they may be more likely to feel misunderstood in the future. Similarly, if someone has experienced trauma or abuse, they may struggle to trust others enough to open up. When we are mistreated, we are also more likely to develop anxiety in social situations.
6. Anxiety gets in the way of authenticity
If a person is feeling anxious in a social situation, they may find themselves unable to speak up or share parts of themselves due to the fear of judgment or embarrassment. Often, anxiety produces physiological symptoms, such as shaking or sweating, that make it difficult to think clearly. It’s very difficult for someone with anxiety to “just be themselves.” The anxiety itself then becomes a roadblock to expressing themselves. As a result, other people may not have a chance to try and understand them.
7. People-pleasing
Sometimes we learn to put others’ needs before our own, and this can cause us to focus on what others want to hear rather than what we actually think or feel. If we are catering to what we think others want from us, we aren’t really sharing the authentic parts of ourselves. This can cause us to feel misunderstood because people aren’t really hearing or seeing our true selves.
8. Staying stuck in the same patterns with the same people
Sometimes the people in our lives aren’t understanding us because we are just so different from them. If we find ourselves feeling invisible with the same person over and over, it may be time to think about fostering connections with more like-minded people. This is not about blame, but rather, it is about fit. When you find “your people” (the people who really make you feel seen, heard, and understood), it can make a huge difference in how you feel about yourself and your ability to connect. Not everyone has to be a good fit.
9. You’re unsure of what you need or how to advocate for it.
Sometimes others may not understand us because we don’t fully understand ourselves. That is, we may not know what we are feeling and/or how to communicate it. And even if we do know how we feel, we might assume others “should already know” and not share it with them. However, it is important that we know how to identify our own feelings, needs, and boundaries. By understanding ourselves, we can better communicate and seek understanding from others.
10. Other mental health issues
Symptoms of various mental health conditions can also contribute to someone feeling misunderstood. For example, someone with depression may struggle to express themselves or may isolate themselves, which can provide fewer opportunities to connect. Or someone with social anxiety may avoid difficult conversations, which causes them to not share as openly. When we are struggling with mental health, it’s even more important that we reach out. While a person might not fully understand what we are going through, they can still listen and provide support.
What now? You can heal and change.
Feeling misunderstood and lonely can be huge barriers to connection, and they can stop us from fostering more meaningful relationships in our lives. Now that you understand ten reasons why you might be feeling this way, the next step is learning how to break through each of these barriers. In my next blog, I will be talking about ways to manage anxiety so that you can show up more authentically in your relationships. The more authentically we are able to communicate, the more we will feel connected and understood in our relationships.
If you are looking to explore how these issues impact you, then meeting with a licensed therapist who specializes in anxiety, self-esteem, and belonging can help you experience all the physical and mental health benefits of a more connected life. You can schedule a free consultation with me where I will make sure to deeply understand your concerns and help you to develop a concrete plan for improving self-esteem, managing anxiety, and connecting more with others. Schedule your free call here.